I think most of you know that I don’t have a laptop so I blog from my phone. Well, last week my phone broke too-so absolutely no access to internet-nightmare!!

You know what though…the day after it broke, I was fumbling around my room in the morning wondering what I’d do with my day off. Normally I go out, get the groceries, come home, have a bath, pray, cook, do the laundry, sort out our wardrobes, dust, hoover etc, eat and then chill in bed on my phone-blogging, watching videos etc etc. But I couldn’t do that. The thought of only completing errands all day made me want to crawl into a hole and be buried.

So instead, I had a bath, prayed and ate a quiet breakfast downstairs in the garden (the weather was gorgeous last week). Then I put the clothes out on the line, dragged the recycling bin out to the front and went back inside. I just sat there. Staring through myself at the huge mirror that stands fitted to the wardrobe in front of the bed. Hmmm…no internet. I’ve read all the books on my shelf at least 5 times over the years, everything’s clean and tidy, there’s food in the fridge, leftovers from last night for dinner. So what to do, what to do…

I didn’t wanna waste my day just sitting there, so for the first time in months I decided to take a walk into town. With work, studies, maintaining the house and making sure all my fam are comfortable, I haven’t had any time to myself. On my only days off I mope around and waste my time on the internet. I’m now in my 20’s for God’s sake! What have I been doing wasting my youth? Why, all this time, have I been sitting all day on the internet when I finally have a day off from any responsibility? Madness.

I wrapped my head in a scarf, slipped into my linen trousers and pulled a loose shirt over my head. 28 degrees outside. Lovely. I burrowed through his cupboards and found an old watch. No phone, so that’s all I had to rely on. I figured I would get bored within an hour and then take the bus home, in time for when he comes back from work.

So I walked. I mean, I really walked. I’ve been so used to rushing from one place to another. Head down, fast pace, push through the crowds. I’ve never really appreciated my surroundings. Either that, or I’d be on my phone half the time, texting, walking, bumping into people. Rush rush rush.

Not this time though.

The sun made everything, and everyone, look so refreshed. I remember actually stopping in the middle of the path to watch two cats in a driveway spread out directly under the suns rays, twitching every few seconds in sleep. So cute. Then I realised how cold I had become in recent months. I would glance at these small things bitterly. Pfftt….lucky…it’s alright for some. I would roll my eyes at people stopping in the path to stare at something which caught their eye. Something which would bring a simple smile to their face.  Get out of my way. I would scoff at people walking slowly, alone, at ease. Please, do they have nothing better to do?
Man, how life has changed me.

I realised why I’ve been so angry. Not because of my past, not because of my family or because of experiences. They’ve just been an excuse to cover all of this up. This anger I’ve been feeling has been a mix of disappointment and regret. I’m angry at myself. Angry for letting myself get this way. Harsh, cold, skeptical, seeing things in only black and white. Narrow. Closed in. Boxed.

I continued walking, and looking.
Looking at the two old men in deep conversation. One on a bike, one on his way to post a letter. Frail and grey, but their exchanges enveloped with inside jokes and personal memories. Chuckling to each other.
Looking at a mother chasing after her toddler who darted off towards the park. Looking at a group of girlfriends standing around a bench, comparing their new summer dresses.
Everyone is at ease. There’s no rush.

Once I got into town I was surprised to find that everything had changed, or had been renovated. New shops, new stalls. How have I not noticed any of this? Madness.
I browsed every shop, treated myself to a few new skirts and scarves, then I walked into a newly opened bookshop. I remembered people telling me about it. Every book costs only £2, no matter how big, no matter what kind of book. Cheap and cheerful.
I left with 12 books.

Realising I’d been browsing for almost 3 hours, I grabbed my usual from the Thai takeaway and got the bus home.

Ever since that day, I’ve skipped the bus to work every morning and I’ve started cycling. Which has brought my appetite back, which has made me enjoy food again. I’ve started training with him, every day at 7pm. Running laps around the field by our house, playing ball etc.
We come home, pray, and eat together now. No internet, no videos, no distractions. I managed to arrange work for the garden- it’s overgrown and just looks miserable. I’ve stitched all of the holes in his shorts which I’ve been promising to do for too long. We had dinner at a restaurant one night, went to the cinema, saw our close friends. All in the space of just over 7 days.

How is that even possible?

Because I haven’t had the option of finding entertainment on a laptop, or a phone. I’ve lost myself in this new world I had created for myself. Work, study, home. I’ve been avoiding people, avoiding friends, even avoiding my own husband…
Since he’s been back, things have changed. To me, he had become a part of that world, separate from my own. He’s been pushing me to get out of the house, pleading with me to just open up and speak to him. What has there been to say though? All I’ve been doing in my precious spare time is staring blankly at my phone screen, scrolling through sites and blogs and videos.
I forgot that there really was this world outside my own door. So what if I can’t travel right now? I still have this city to explore. In fact, I have a whole island to still explore!

I have felt so confused and lost, because I had lost myself. What have I been filling myself with, the last couple of years? What have I done for me? I’ve been filling my mind with worry and responsibility. With essays, forms, and bills and the drivel that comes out of customers mouths. This past week has changed everything. I’ve been reading those books every night before conking out. I’ve forgotten how much I love to read. Such a cliche, right? But growing up, when things were bad in the house, I used to sit in the shed and become absorbed into stories. I used to complete one novel per day. What happened to that? I guess because I left. Because money became so important. Because I met him. Because Ammi became ill.
In over 3 years, I haven’t sat down to read a full book, from front to cover. But now that I have, I feel like my mind has been stretched open again, ready to be filled with new words and new vocabulary. I love it.

So this is why today, instead of fixing my phone, I bought myself a cheap replacement with limited internet access.
I want things to stay the way they have been this past week.
I won’t delete my blog, maybe I’ll log in once in a while when I get access to it and reply to messages/make a post. But, it will no longer be my outlet.

It’s time that I start living again.

The weather is SO BEAUTIFUL right now!

Amazing how a bit of natural Vitamin D can brighten everyone’s mood :)

So, I’ve lived in this house for 4 years and next door lives this sweet Sri Lankan family who have 2 gorgeous little boys. When I first moved in, they must have been about 5 and 7. They are so adorable!

All day they play outside in the garden, even if it’s winter, and they’re so loud so we always hear them when they’re playing.
I remember one time he and I were arguing in our room-something silly-and eventually we were both so angry that we were just shouting horrible things at each other. We stopped for a few seconds to take a breather and before I could speak again, all we could hear is: (imagine this in the cutest high pitched voice) “Mummy look! Wheeeeee Whoooooo Wheeeee Whooooo!” hahahaha, how much we cracked up!
How the smallest voice can wipe away bad feelings :)

It’s amazing though. They’ve gone from playing with toys, and screaming nonsensical sentences, to actually playing out stories and plots that they’ve come up with. And they’re genius!
Just now, all I heard was:
“No you stay there, I am the Captain!”
‘You always Captain!’
“I’m older so I’m the Captain! Stay there you’re the bad man”
‘Ok’
“Ok now go!”

‘La la la la hmm hmm hello’

“No I said you’re the bad man! You’re the evil one so be evil I already saaaaaid!”

‘If I be nice then Captain will like me then he’ll let me on the ship then I can steal it’

“……”

“Mamaaaaaaaaa! He said, I said…mamaaaa!”

Hahahahahahahaha :’)